I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
