At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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