I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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