i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
