you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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