i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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