If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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