Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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