why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
