please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
