I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
