Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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