I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
