I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
