Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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