I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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