my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
