I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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