Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
