Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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