Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
