so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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