Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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