I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
