Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
