my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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