Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize