dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
