There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
