the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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