Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How many fucks given?
0.12846
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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