update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
