I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
