I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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