I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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