oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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