his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
MIDGETS
????
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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