My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
God I need to hump something, right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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