When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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