Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
