Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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