WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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