i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
