State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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