i permit you to call me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Floor bacon is actually really good
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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