The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Two words: nipple clamps
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