Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize