Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
