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Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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