i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize