dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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