i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
