My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
