Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize