dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You are the jesus of drinking
Couch. On fire.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
