I cannot find my penis.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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