So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
