No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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