It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
