my phone needs a breathalizer
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
