I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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