fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
