Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
